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Life
is a journey through time... In that time, the path of life finds
us in many friendships and acquaintances... occasionally, one is
even lucky enough to fall in love. However, in the path of their
life, very few find their soulmate... Very few find the very being
they live, breathe and die for. In the journey of life, it is so
rare to know the being for whom blood flows through your veins...
the being who makes your heart sing and your soul dance with ecstasy
solely from looking into their eyes... And, while the path that
the journey of life has taken me on thus far has been rough and
treacherous ...and while the road ahead is long and winding, I know
that I will not walk that road alone. By some blessing... by some
act of Fate, or God, or Destiny, I have been lucky enough to know
my soulmate...
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K
Luc and I have a long history.... We met online more than a decade ago. He came to visit me for a week, and we fell in love. The
next time I saw K Luc, he was moving in with me. K Luc appealed
to my superficial side with his beautiful hair.... and we became
fast friends. We jumped into a relationship. The words "we
jumped into a relationship" implies that we did it too fast,
which is very true... but everyone does it at one point or another
in their life. K Luc and I were good together, but we were very
different people. Being a vegetarian, I was happy to live with
a Vegan, but was not prepared for the horrors that asian cuisine
had on these tastebuds. I was a gothboi, he was a metal head...
All in all, we had a lot in common, but we clashed more than not.
K Luc needed to go back to University, and the relationship was
unhealthy for both of us because of our incompatible personalities...
so, K Luc packed up and moved back to Tokyo. This was heartbreaking
in a lot of ways, and something which hurt us both a lot. While
we were apart, we kept in touch... and became best friends, despite
the end of our relationship, and despite the fact that while the
relationship had ended, the emotions were still very much there.
In our separation, I tried to find happiness in a handful of relationships,
(Jeff, Anatole, Spencer, Jason, Michael...) While there, his tastes have developed
a more goth flavour... his likes in music and wardrobe have changed...
and he's grown in many ways. K Luc became very much a valued friend
to me... his input and interactions, his opinions and thoughts
about my life and decisions are something I held dear, and always
will. I love K Luc very much, and value his friendship greatly.
We both came away from our past relationship with a lot of knowledge,
personal growth, and a good friend in each other... as our three
years apart passed, we became close again... our friendship developed
into a complete understanding of each other over that time...
to the point where we could finish each other's sentences... to
the point where we knew what the other person was feeling without
even being on the same continent, let alone in the same room.
We spent countless hours on the phone, and online chatting...
We grew close again, finally acknowledging the underlying emotion
between us, despite the miles between us. In late December of
2001, K Luc returned to the United States to finish his schooling...
and he came to see me for New Years. One kiss, and I was his again.
One glance into his beautiful brown bedroom eyes, and i melted
all over again. We pledged a new love to each other... our time
apart having healed the wounds which made us incompatible... In
our years apart, we grew... and developed into the ideal for each
other...
I have always loved K Luc... Since the first time I met him, I
have been able to close my eyes, and see nothing else but him...
When i am alone in my bed and there is silence, and I hear nothing
but my heartbeat, I can too easily imagine him net to me, breathing
softly. When my fingertips touch the softness of my bedsheets,
I imagine my hand caressing his alabaster face... gazing into
the pools of his glorious eyes... When i smell the sweetness of
incense, I can close my eyes and imagine the scent of him when
he holds me close... I can imagine the smoky-spiced flavour of
his kiss on my lips... When I feel my heart beating, and the blood
coursing through these veins, I know it is for him. When a tear
falls from these eyes, it is out of bliss knowing he is by my
side.
I am truly blessed... An Angel sleeps in my arms... an Angel holds
me close, and whispers that he loves me... an Angel presses his
lips to mine... an Angel looks at me through eyes of pure love...
and there is nothing on Earth that I would trade for the bliss
that my Angel brings to me... my Love.... my Life... my soulmate...
my everything. |
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Sometimes,
you are lucky enough to meet someone who is very much like you.
Anatole and I have a birthdate very close together. We're both
Cancers, and both like a lot of the same things... in many ways
have the same sense of humour, the same mindset... (well, maybe
not the same mindset, so much as the same way of thinking.) And,
you would imagine that that would make for a wonderful relationship...
but, there are many factors at play that prevented that from happening...
Anatole came to visit me from his native Canada for 10 days in
April, 2001. The fact that he lives in Canada was the first roadblock...
financial matters would make it impossible to travel to Canada
regularly to see him, and vice versa. I enjoyed meeting Anatole,
and was amazed at how similar we were in some ways... but was
also amazed at how many differences there were between us that
caused communicative conflict. For example, our different tastes
in music, entertainment, the different cultures and mindsets we
grew up with, and the way we interact with other people in general.
So, we kind of hit it off, and kind of didn't. Anatole is very
attractive, but he made me question my definition of attractive...mainly
because of the way Anatole saw me... Actually, Anatole made me
question a lot about myself.; my definition of attraction, my
sexuality, my motives... things I was not quite prepared to ponder.
So, while in my mind, I had met someone cool, and someone who
would be a good friend, i didn't fall in love with him... The
unfortunate thing is, Anatole had fallen for me. So, we've talked
it over, discussed our feelings for each other... and have decided
that a friendship is what will become of the whole thing... Anatole,
I am sorry for hurting you... I'm sorry I let you down. I will
always love you.
Anatole and I are still friends, though we talk rarely-- mostly because I don't log into instant messengers often enough. But, despite that, our friendship perseveres. I think we both were integral to each other at a turning point in our lives, and the bond that forged will probably last, to some degree, forever. |
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It
is likely that only once in life, you find the person who, in
many ways, seems to be the very model of everything you desire... Perhaps
they are missing one small detail that would make them the very
image of what you want.., but nonetheless. I thought I had found this person...
His name was Jeff, and he lived in Portland, Oregon USA. (Or just
outside of Portland). He was perfect in so many ways... but he
was thousands of miles away... We didn't get the chance to talk
much at all... and when we did, the phone bills became outrageous.
We both had our own lives... He has friends and a career there
that he was not willing to leave, and I had family, friends and
a career which I loved in New York... Neither of us were too willing
to leave it all behind... and the expense of moving was beyond
either of us at the time. So, I made a decision. It ended
up hurting us both a great deal... I loved and adored Jeff very
much.
How
do you choose between permanent pain and blind happiness, or temporary
pain and solitude? Well, let me tell you it isn't easy, and it
hurts a lot. As much as I wish things could have worked out, I
can't fool myself into believing that I can deal with the distance.
To be perfectly honest, I am a jealous bitch.... and not talking
to him for weeks at a time made me suspicious... There were too
many circumstances all at once which caused me to doubt him...
I still don't know if my suspicions and mistrust of him were justified
or not. In the summer of 2001) I came across
some pictures of Jeff... It made me think a lot about him. I still regret what happened very much.
About a year ago, I found Jeff online, and took fingertips to the keyboard to write him a note... in part to say I was sorry, and in part to simply know, after years of doubt and wondering, if I was right to mistrust him or not... At this point, the answer doesn't really matter, but there is a small part of me that still wants to know if I was just paranoid and childish, or if my actions were justified... Sadly, Jeff never wrote me back, so I will never know the answers... Jeff never protested or put up a fight when i
left him. He accepted it with quiet dignity... Part of me respects
that, and part of me feels he wasn't all that sorry to let me
go. I loved Jeffy so very much... Jeffy, if you ever read this, I am forever sorry, and never meant to hurt you.
Jeff
was, more or less, exactly what I was looking for. He had a very
broad interest in music and culture, he was intelligent, passionate,
thoughtful, perverted, dark and beautiful. When I closed my eyes,
I could picture us together doing stupid little domestic things
together, like going shopping, painting a room in the apartment...
growing old together. It's hard to find someone you can imagine
yourself growing old with. And, for those of you who have visited
other parts of my site, you're probably wondering; where's his
long hair? As much as i love long hair, Jeff had every other quality
I ever wanted. Personality takes precedence over looks in my mind.
And, he even started growing it out for me. He was absolutely
adorable when i saw him in December 2000 just before it all fell
apart... So, anyway... there are very few things I regret in life...
and while I believe ending my relationship with Jeff was the best
decision, not knowing if my motivation was valid or not has always eaten at a small part of me.
Jeff, if you ever end up reading this, whether i was right or
wrong, I miss you. You were a good friend, and would love to hear
from you.
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Martha
is not a past lover. For starters, she's the wrong gender to be
a lover of mine. Second, she's a lesbian...so even if I were straight,
it wouldn't have happened. Martha is, however, one of my best
friends in this shitty world in which we live... and so I put
her in the Eros section, because I love her very much. Martha
and I met many years ago. She was dating a friend of mine named
Tammy. We hit it off instantly, (because she knew what a Larch
Tree was--long story), and we've been friends ever since. When
Martha and Tammy were looking for a roommate for an apartment,
I volunteered. We lived together for a while, and when Martha
and Tammy broke up, Martha and I got a place together. She even
used to work at the same place I do... Martha is a mirror image
of me in many ways (aside from the fact that I am not that short,
nor am I a female.) She has been there for me through
everything... has been my shoulder to cry on when I have needed
one, and has been the best friend I have ever had. I can only
hope I have been as good a friend to her as she has been to me. Martha has moved on to another part of the world, with her new partner. I miss her profusely, and hope she is
very happy. We still keep in touch, but when compared to
having her as a housemate for 8 years, an email and instant message
every now and then is just not nearly the same. Still, I love
Martha, and am sure we'll always be close. |
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Here I sit alone in the house, at 2 am Christmas Day,
thinking about the past. I have been very fortunate in the experiences
I have had, and the people I have known... but, life is full of regrets.
I have been looking through old letters, cards, and pictures... and
I came across a few things that made me think of people who I loved
dearly, and have lost touch with because of stupid things I did....
Many years
ago, in High School, I had a best friend who helped me realise who I
was, and what it took to be a better person. She was my own, personal
Maude (a reference which will make sense to her,) and she taught me
to remember the truth "that once was spoken: To love another person
is to see the face of God." Becky F, if you by some miracle should
ever find yourself reading this, I would love very much to hear
from you....
I also had
a very good friend who took me in when I had no where to go.... who
taught me to be myself, and who loved me for who I am.... who helped
me change my way of thinking and seeing the world. Each day, I stare
at a painting she gave me for Christmas one year, and so deeply regret
that we grew apart... Without her, I fear what would have come of me
in that treacherous part of my youth. Jane C, if you should somehow
come upon these ducky, weasely words, I also would very much like to hear
from you.
Aside from Jane,
I once had a girlfriend named Wendy H, who I put through hell and back
when we broke up... she introduced me to Jon B, and they both made me
realise many things about myself... I remember tripping with them in
Jon's flat on Westcott street... I remember driving to Rome to rescue
Jon... I remember I made some tragic mistakes and I am sure hurt them
both in more than one way. If either of you find these words, I am sorry
I was such a stupid child back then. I would love to hear
from you.
There are a number of other people I am curious to know of... I you
were a part of my past, and aren't a part of the present, please get
back in touch.
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